For the last few months I've been feeling sorta defeated, no frustrated or maybe exhausted. I guess to sum it all up, I've just been in my feelings. This is not to say that all is falling apart, it's just that things aren't really happening how I'd envisioned. Don't let these blog pics or my IG feed fool you ma'am / sir. I'm a work in progress.
The month of October to some signifies the last quarter of the year. This is the time to really give it all you got. To end the year strong. But for me, this month brings me to my 12th year (TWELVE YEARS!!!!) being at my job. It's kinda unbelievable. Honestly I didn't think I'd last more than 5 years. The plan was to make my way back to nursing school, graduate and get a job as a travel nurse. If the travel nurse thing didn't pan out, I'd work as a trauma nurse in Grady Hospital's trauma center. Obviously neither plan worked out (insert sad face).
Here I am close (really close) to 40 and still trying to 'figure it out'. At the 4 year mark on my job, I started to realize that school was getting further away. Yet, I wasn't willing to settle for the hand that life was showing me. So I reached out to my baby sister with a plan to start our own image consulting company. She thought it was a great idea and jumped on board. Three years later.... What company???
Now what was I suppose to do?!?! Walk away and just be grateful that I have a descent job with okay benefits OR regroup and try something else. Over the last few years, I've been regrouping. I can't even tell you how many times I've regrouped. It's frustrating! It's overwhelming at times ( a lot of times) and other times I'm literally on the verge of quitting and running the opposite direction.
But the thing is.... I can't just walk away. Even though I've tried talking myself out of chasing my dreams and creating a life where I live what I love. I CAN'T! I have to much at stake. I've invested so much already. Yes it's hard, but I'm driven to go harder. Complaining is easy, procrastinating is the breeding ground for fear of failure or the unknown. Feeling bad for myself is ridicules. I will gain nothing from any of this.
While I'm not where I'd like to be. I'm motivated in the notion that I will succeed. One day I'll look around and see what has taken money, sweat and years. And by the power of the tongue I declare to myself everyday that I'm going to 'blow up.'
At this point guys, it's go hard or go harder!